My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
