Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
