We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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