I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Randomize
