If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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