i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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