im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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