our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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