I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
