I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
