I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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