I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
