You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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