Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Panties = found
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
