I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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