I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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