Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
