after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
