She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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