I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
