jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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