Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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