There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My ATM looks so different sober.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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