If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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