My cat gives me a boner
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
