You smell like a Billy Joel song
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
