Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Be still, my beating vagina.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
