Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
