Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
