I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
