you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
