If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
