walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
