Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
