I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i love accidental penises.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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