wakey wakey hands off snakey
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
