Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
