i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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