I'm so fucking centered right now
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
