I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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