I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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