dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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