Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
