oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Come on in and take your pants off
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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