if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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