Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
