Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
