Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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