life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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