I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
